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How would my job be advertised?

on Thu Aug 29 2019

Sarah-Jayne’s CV

Personal Statement:
After 23 years of education and employment, I decided to ‘take it easy’ and become a stay at home mum to my daughter. Although not in a literal sense I often compare this to running my own zoo, it certainly takes the same amount of organisation. The animal needs feeding regularly, changing frequently and can be temperamental in nature.

Chief Executive of a Household
Communication is key in my current role. My ‘employer’ can be increasingly demanding, and often unreasonable in her requests. Compromise and negotiation are essential daily requirements for my job, finding solutions to high pressure decisions such as porridge or cereal, dress or trousers (including the right colour clothes) and choosing the right toy for the right situation. Failure in any of these decisions results in severe emotional distress for both myself and my employer.

Head Chef and Meal planner:
I have to plan, and execute, three meals a day. I know chefs normally work in the late afternoon, evenings, but my kitchen is never closed. Whether its 6am and my employer has asked for avacodo on toast (yep! She did that) or has decided she wants a snack an hour after lunch, if she asks for it, I supply it. The most challenging part of this role is the variability of the meals I cook. I may prepare a meal on a Monday evening that my employer wolves down and raves about, only to have her have a complete meltdown when I serve it the next day. No day, or meal, is exactly the same.

Head Cleaner (Aka ONLY cleaner)
Save money by hiring me. I know hotels and offices typically have a team of cleaners but I am a one woman cleanado. My day starts at 6am when my employer wakes up. Whilst she is eating breakfast, I make the beds and clean the books up from the previous night’s reading session. I am so efficient in my role that my employer doesn’t feel the need to clean up after themselves at all and, in fact, sets me daily challenges of how much I can clean up in a day – often using my toilet breaks as a challenge to see how many toys they can get back out in a few minutes.

Head of Psychology
Since entering this job, my grasp of psychology has increased from nothing to barely passable. Every day presents a new opportunity to test this. Whether assessing why the simplest of actions (brushing teeth, walking in a shop, putting my shoes on) sends my employer into a rage or discussing why saying mine does not mean you can snatch the toy off them, this role certainly is the most challenging. In my two years, I have gained a basic grasp of conflict resolution, anger management and stress prevention. There have been times when my approach has not been successful, and as such we are not allowed back in our local shops, but I feel successful in the role perhaps four days out of seven.

Head teacher of general education
When my employer chose me, her independent skills were dyer. Unable to feed herself or keep herself clean, she relied on me for everything. During the two years in her employment, her skills have increased substationally under my tutelage. She can now count to fifteen, identify colours and now asks probing question like ‘what’s that?’ and ‘Why?’ to literally every instruction she is given. This role has forced me to challenge myself to ensure I know the answer to obscure questions like ‘Why can’t I swim in the canal but can in the sea?’ ‘Why is the moon white but sun yellow?’ and ‘Where do moths go during the day?’(even Google couldn’t answer that one)

Chief finance officer
After figuring out that my mother was right and, in fact, money does not grow on trees, I had to learn to budget. With advice from the CEO, Grandma, I learned how to budget. Each week, I have to keep a record of purchases and outgoings, saving for hard times (Recession, Brexit, Sales ending) and ensuring I have enough money to feed my employer who can eat the equivalent of a small army.

Lady S – two years old.
When asked what she thought of my work, she promptly asked for a snack before telling me I was beautiful, smart and funny. On second thoughts, perhaps I’ll stick to this job a little longer ;)

What roles would you add to this CV? How would you describe your day to day role as a parent – whether working full time, part time or stay at home like me?